It’s called Uncertaintism.
It’s got all the best parts of your favorite religions - the ostentatious worship sites, the fancy clothes, the fellowship and camaraderie, the common-sense moral code (“Hey guys, how about we don’t rob or murder each other? Or lie about it?”)
Aaaaand that’s it.
No elaborate power hierarchies. No dated, easily misinterpreted allegorical texts. No men in tall hats providing a conduit to the Divine.
You just get together in your churches, sing irrelevant songs in dead languages (or maybe not!), and talk about how great God is without anyone claiming to speak for him!
No guilt, no threats of damnation, no repression of women or homosexuals or witches — just good buds, good times, and the general feeling of spiritual peace, inclusion, and reassurance that people go to church for in the first place.
See, the founding precept of Uncertaintism is that God, being omnipotent and ever-present, has it well within the bounds of His power to speak for Himself. Rather than devote ourselves to thousand-year old scriptural rules and the Religious Right’s rendition of His Holiest Will, we observe “do unto others” and wait for further instructions.
let’s be clear: this is not instructions
No overanalyzing the appearance of doves or studying the grooves in toast. Sorry, Mormons, but seagulls showing up to eat locusts does not count as divine intervention in Uncertaintism. We’re much more literal.
God has the power to do what he must. So we’re going to abide by Kant’s universalism, generally try to improve life for everyone around us, and wait until the Great Bearded One appears, luminescent and glorious, voice booming with the power of infinite creation, to tell us whether or not we’re doing it wrong. Until then, we don’t go on any crusades, we don’t burn anyone at the stake, and we don’t tell each other who He thinks it’s okay to have marriages between.
UNCERTAINTISM, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! PUT ON YOUR SUNDAY BEST AND LET’S HAVE US A COOKOUT IN HIS NAME! He’ll love it! Or He’ll show up, and tell us He doesn’t. Either way we win, because, hey, burgers.
